I was watching a movie today where a woman fell into a frozen pond and was fighting for her life to resurface. It was stressful to watch and hit a nerve somehow; I was anxious and felt overwhelmed for a moment. Once the movie was over I sat thinking about how this movie, the particular scene, made me feel. I realized the frozen pond was how I feel about my marriage at the moment.
You know from previous posts that I have been with my husband for 22 years. I love him. I hate him. He is wonderful and annoying. He is caring and hurtful. He is giving and selfish. He is so frustrating and sometimes delightfully silly and fun loving. I suppose this is how all relationships go and what we are experiencing currently is a growing pain.
Sometimes I feel my husband and I are standing in the middle of a frozen pond just looking at each other trying to decide where we should try to step next. Now and then we skate around this pond hand in hand oblivious to the world and enjoying each others warmth. Other times we are standing on thin ice worried which step will send us plummetting into the icy water below. I’ve fallen into the icy water before looking for the surface trying hard to save myself. I can’t help think it would be so much easier to just drown and give up, but the instict to survive and to fight for our lives together always wins.
When I do save myself, I sometimes look down and see him struggling to find the surface as well. I have had many nightmares along this same story line. I always reach out my hand to help and risk getting pulled right back into the darkness. We have always made it back to the surface together, we either fall to the ice hugging and crying in each others arms or we are too exhausted to even look at each other. Sometimes blame follows us back to the hole in the surface and we dog paddle at the surface trying to decide if it is worth trying to make it safely across the icy pond. I refuse to let our relationship die in an icy pond. Like some kind of Die Hard movie we make it out of the hole together and across the ice to safety. We both know without speaking that someday that icy pond could devour us.
Little did I realize when he asked me to marry him it was going to be an icy proposition. Our marriage isn’t always an icy pond, it has its seasons. I am ready for the ice to thaw and for the spring to bring beautiful love songs and fresh flowers again.