OK deep breath…..
I don’t understand why during certain moments I say one thing when I mean the total opposite. Why when I am hurting do I not just come out and say… I need help? What I think I want is a friend to come hold my hand and talk with me. But I don’t know what to say about how I feel. I don’t want to ask for help because I am better at giving help. I think what I want is to know someone is willing to stop what they are doing and just talk to me, redirect my fears and my anxieties, pay attention to me. But maybe not? I don’t know what I really want. If I don’t know how can anyone else know?
Part of me wants to be ok and have the selfless feelings and thoughts that portray strength and courage…but the other side is desperate and weak. I sat alone crying on the stairs fighting to find some sort of sanity…some reason. I sent a text to a few friends that know I have a dark side. My friends don’t need to know when I need space…I would just take it. But here I was texting some random nonsense. These are not the exact lines but they are similar in idea. The red are the thoughts I expressed out loud the blue are how I actually felt, the green are not exact responses but very, very generalized ideas returned. In reality the texts in green were heartfelt and kind but my head was only capable of negativity at this point and I only got the ideas from them I wanted to see. Needless to say I am ashamed of the feelings I had about the responses I received. In truth I would have been more hurt not to get a response at all…I am lucky they cared enough to respond in any fashion.
Dear friends, I am not well
Please help me I am desperate as hell
I need some time and space
I need to know I am important to you
I do not want to feel
Well this is honest at least
Just know I love you in my silence
Do you feel the same?
And don’t worry I will be ok
I am such a liar, I am so not ok
Dear Friend, I love you
Really? I desperately need it!
Thanks love you too
I am here for you if you need me
Where is here? Not sure what I need
Thanks that means a lot
I want you to feel better, praying for you
Yes, pray but do it now like literally right now
I love you and really think you need to get help
Ask me what is wrong….please, I mean I don’t have an answer but ask anyway
I am going to…thank you
You need to do what is best for you
Yea, I guess…I mean can you tell me what that is?
I know I am working on it