It was late…
I was home, had my game face on and was trying my best to be a wife and mom. I had gone to a festival with my family, met some friends there, and had a good time. On the sidelines though taking up space in my head were some insecurities brewing. In reality I wasn’t living in the present and I missed out on enjoying my family.
A conversation I had earlier in the day triggered this storm to revisit (I mentioned in my last post). It rolled in fast and hard because the last storm hadn’t completely disappeared yet. The conversation was logical, the circumstances normal, the result was innocent. I will stop here because this blog is about me and not the people that get ensnared in it. I will just say what I put my friends through was unfair and I ended up not being the friend I try so hard to be. I was selfish, insecure, hurt, and angry. I ended up blaming someone I care about for a problem that wasn’t theirs. Worse I keep trying to justify my actions.
I texted my anger and feelings out to the parties involved. The communication was a mixture of two different sides of me fighting for dominance. I am there for you whatever you decide….I hate what you decided. I want to be there for you….why are you not there for me? I know you love and care about me…..why am I not important enough? I am here for you…..I can’t be here for you. I pushed them both away, helpless to know what to say or do, and was left alone.
My family was asleep, and I sat crying. The longer I cried the lonelier I felt. I thought of my family and how they would be better off without all my nonsense. I thought of my friends and wondered if they really did care. I thought about my brain and how unstable it was and had hope among the despair that it would pass. I decided I needed professional help. These thoughts were going nowhere good and I was the only one that knew I needed help. I woke my husband up and asked him to take me to a hospital and he laughed and pulled me into a hug to sleep. To be fair he was asleep, and I am normally really good at hiding my inner turmoil. But not tonight, tonight it was leaking out in all my communications. I got up and left to cry alone on the stairs.