HUNTING GHOSTS

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A few days ago Le Clown asked me to guest post on his Black Box Warnings blog.  If you haven’t visited this blog I would highly recommend it.   Black Box Warnings is a collective of bloggers who share their personal stories about mental and physical health, parenting, daily tribulations, and life’s little moments. An on-line community built around support, respect, and compassion.” 

I read every single post and am beyond honored to have been asked to write for it. Honored and nervous because I don’t write articles or posts where I have to sit down and really think about what I want to convey.  I was asked to write a serious piece so that is what I did.  You can read about how my mind betrayed me and how it nearly killed me here.

Writing the above post was hard for me, not because it was emotionally draining, but because there was so much I wanted to write about.  Chronic Anxiety and Depression isn’t something people can really understand unless they live it.  To an outsider you look weak…. Why don’t you just suck it up and live in the moment.  You have everything so why are whining about your life?  Why are you crying about something someone said?  Why do you care what others think?  Why are you so worried about something so ridiculous?  On and on and on.

Once I was diagnosed I started a new medication for anxiety and depression and started trying to trouble shoot my triggers.  I called this phase of therapy “hunting for ghosts”.  I was surprised at all the little trauma’s I let hide inside my brain that I just packed away and moved on.  That is what strength is right?  Don’t burden anyone else and just bury it and move on.  I told myself, in every situation, people are going through worse everyday…this is nothing…be grateful for the life you have.  And I was!

Well the brain likes to file these things away and they are flagged with triggers.  It doesn’t ask you for permission to do this it just does it.  So in my case, someone tells me that I have beautiful eyes and that I am pretty and I immediately wonder what they are up too. I don’t trust what they are saying because of my experience with someone who used pretty words to eventually abuse me.  That story is here.  I buried it 20 years ago but seemingly it haunts my emotional reactions everyday.

In my guest post I write about how all the ghosts decided to attack me…currently I am hunting these ghosts and exorcising them.  I am summarizing a few posts below as sort of an attachment to the story I wrote for Black Box Warnings.  These are the posts I wrote right after contemplating suicide:

THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY

THE STORM IS COMING

THE STRUGGLE WITHIN

A LITTLE FRIENDLY ADVICE

BARRELING DOWN THE SPEEDWAY

THE NEW BEGINNING

Don’t underestimate how a situation affected you…deal with them honestly.  Don’t give up on the future because it has a way of surprising you.  Actively hunt for ghosts and don’t let them haunt you!

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11 thoughts on “HUNTING GHOSTS

  1. Kudos to you for being brave enough to talk about your anxiety and depression. Both my boys, Max who is 20, and Tim, who is 26, have anxiety disorders, so I know all about the painful journey you’ve taken. However, I think it’s important to mention that although as you said, you have triggers that cause your anxiety, there’s also a physical element that people need to understand. In that, most anxiety disorders and depression can be aggravated by or might be completely the fault of a chemical imbalance, i.e. having low Serotonin levels. So, when people say things like you should just buck it up, they need to understand that it’s not always just a matter of putting on a happy face. Having a low level of Serotonin is no different than a diabetic who needs insulin, which I assume, is why you’re taking medication to help ease your anxiety. My cousin was married to a woman who was so depressed that until they put her on Lexapro (I think), she literally couldn’t get out of bed for days at a time, and she didn’t really have a reason to be depressed. Her husband had a good job. They had a nice house in the suburbs and a healthy, happy kid who was like 5 years old at the time. And it takes time to find the right medication as well. Anywho…just my 2-cents worth, but THANKS for sharing! 🙂

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    • Thanks! That’s very kind of you to say. I intend to check out your post on Black Box Warning, but I didn’t have time today. My boys are actually handling things pretty well, luckily! 🙂
      TB

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  2. I already said all I had to say on your other post, but just wanted to pop in here and say….YOU’RE EFFIN’ AWESOME, HASY! Thanks again for sharing so openly. It truly helps those of us fighting the same battle to know we’re not alone.

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  3. This is the most.. well, not THIS, but the Black Box piece is the most revealing, soul-baring, incredible thing you’ve ever written, and I’m in awe of you for writing it and sharing it with everyone.

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