A TORNADO IN THE CLOUDS

 

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I am not a social person. I pretend to be sometimes if I need to, in fact, many of my closest friends don’t realize that when I excuse myself it is, more often than not, to calm myself down. All it takes is one moment, one word, one look the wrong way, and my mind is off spinning anxious tales inside my mind. Anxiety is the cheerleader and insecurity is the audience.

I wish I wasn’t this way. I dream of being out having fun without a moment, and there is ALWAYS a moment, where I am holding desperately on to reality without my insecurities interfering. I started to tell my best friend how I felt once, how being out was about to cause a full blown panic attack. I wrote about that night here . I needed to leave, so I left alone.

I don’t fit in and instead of being a part of the crowd I am a clumsy piece of dust sticking to the edge of a puzzle. I use moments of disappointment and turn them into sharp and deadly weapons that are swift in defeating any good thoughts about me. I am a warrior. I am the enemy.

My friends will say so many supportive things, some try to fix me, some offer advice, and some are at a loss for words, and some simply just love me for who I am. I am grateful for them because without them I would just be another victim of self-defeat.

Most of the time my friends are just blurry images I can’t make out, and their words are a foreign language I can’t understand. But sometimes, when the enemy is quiet, I remember the words of encouragement and I can see the smiles clear as day. Most times, it is my daughter’s laughter that will lull the enemy to sleep. These are the moments that make my life worth living.

Recently, I agreed to be a part of the SisterWives blogging initiative. To be a part of this amazing group I will need to fight a few emotional battles. My sincere hope is that I won’t scare them away with my awkwardness, that they will survive my momentary melt downs, my constant self-doubt. I am not even sure why I decided to write this other than I felt a need.

I am a tornado that has made a home in the clouds and I live in fear of the moments I might touch down.~HastyWords

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50 thoughts on “A TORNADO IN THE CLOUDS

  1. You do have one real problem… you are too hard on yourself… there are two kinds of people… those that feel shy and inadequate and out of place and lonely and misplaced and awkward and inept and embarrassed… and those that are either too stupid to feel those things, too psychologically messed up to know they should feel that way, or they are just really good at faking it.

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  2. I completely understand how you feel. I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in – like everyone else is in the “club”/knows the secret handshake/talks the talk, and I’m the freak in the corner wondering why in God’s name they’re so fixated on everything being perfect like one of my girlfriends who buys all the same brands of spices because she can’t stand having different labeled jars on the shelf (or she transfers spices from different brands into empty jars to match the others), LOL. I laughed when she said that, but everyone else stared at me. I still don’t get it, but I guess for her, the garlic salt doesn’t taste right unless it’s in the same colored bottle as all of its fellow spices.

    When I was in high school, I was like you, and I was often very quiet and miserable., Then, as I got older I realized the fact that I’m not like everyone else doesn’t really matter, and that being different is one of the reasons my husband loves me. So, I learned to celebrate my weirdness. I no longer pretend to be one of the crowd. I know it’s very difficult to get to that point, and it took me a long time, but you’re a beautiful and intelligent person. I would focus on that. You have to kind of put the beat down on your anxiety, and I find that exercise really helps. Maybe, it’s all those endorphins, or maybe, it’s the confidence I’ve gained. In that, though I’m 49 years old, I had more stamina than all the 20-somethings the last time I took a spinning class! They were all ready to pass out after 15 minutes or so, and I was still going strong for 30! 🙂

    Thanks for sharing! Hang in there!
    All the best,
    ~TB

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    • I love this comment.
      Is it weird I love that I am different yet I freak out when my brand of different isn’t good enough or when I feel I can’t be me? It stresses me out so much to think I need to conform…to be a certain way to stay connected.
      All that anxiety builds up and then I burst at the most inappropriate times and my mouth opens and my insecurities spill out all over the place. LOL
      At least here, on my blog, I feel I am not putting anyone on the spot. I can just write…

      I am definitely an odd duck…I am better than I used to be about my worries but still they are there.

      I wrote a piece for the sisterwife site I hope you will read. Should be published on the 17th. It explains a bit more. I hope at least 🙂

      Thanks for hanging in with me 🙂

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      • I’m glad you liked my comment! And I agree, it’s really wonderful to be able to spill it all in cyberspace where people can sympathize or whatever. I find a lot of support on here as well.

        I’ll be on vacation on the 17th, but I’ll do my best to try to read your post on the other site. Is there a link for the sisterwife site on here? If not, could you provide the URL?
        Thanks.
        ~TB

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  3. I am right there with you. I have pulled out of more social engagements than I have actually attended. My social anxiety is a real monster. I have lost friends who don’t understand, and to their defense, I didn’t really explain it. I actually get very envious of friend relationships and gatherings that people have. It seems to effortless.

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  4. I’m glad you wrote this…if only to get your feelings out of your head and into a space where you can work with them. As for that quote…it’s pretty freaking awesome, sad, but awesome.

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  5. Hasty, I can’t believe it took me so long to find you, you’re awesome! Notonly can you articulate what yyou’re feeling beautifully, you have a genuine tenderness that speaks to all of us who struggle with your brand of anxiety. I’m in love with yet one more SisterWife, woe is me. Respect REDdog

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  6. I haven’t read all the comments, as my time is limited (I have to get my son to bed) but PLEASE, go to bed tonight knowing that you aren’t alone in your battle. The majority of my family has disowned me because they don’t understand, nor care to educate themselves about mental illness. With all of my disorders, they say “It’s just Kate being Kate.” I’ve been laughed at, made fun of and publicly humiliated for feelings that are out of my control, and I have a support system that consists of maybe 5 people. I do hope you’ll keep in touch. I would love to know more about you and how long you’ve been suffering from this. My email address is Justkate914@gmail.com if you ever want to talk.

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey to beating the monster ruling your head right now…
    ~Kate

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  7. you’re beautiful in ways more than one.. I mean look at this line

    I am a tornado that has made a home in the clouds and I live in fear of the moments I might touch down.~HastyWords

    it takes a genius to come up with something like this… I have always loved you and i look up to you and all the love that you hold.. you’re an inspiration to many and only a fool will ever have something wrong to tell about you..

    you’ve helped me on times when i badly needed something or someone and one of the reasons i blog is YOU

    I LOVE YOU.

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  8. Oh my God, this is incredible!!! So, once again, please marry me and my wife still says it will be okay. Now I should confess that last time, I did follow your advice and confer with your husband….privately…to discuss the price tag and he wanted such a paltry sum that I quadrupled it immediately and chided him for being such a tight ass. But this time, I’m gonna follow through!!!! Seriously, I think you understand that this is just my facetious way of saying that I am totally smitten with your lovely and powerful work that emanates from such a beautiful soul. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

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  9. Just dreaming of the faded places (while reading).
    Tempests to typhoons, conversation above lands, each sea. Never a time could follow, as a story wraps around her voice. Out there on the floor, where tales they spin, then climb, embrace. Where different worlds come peering, while another falls away. Chances are you’re dancing, between slow walks along Summer’s clouds. Untamed, evolving, rising out across grass windswept miles of plains. Charting invisible maps, in words, in voice, in dance. Yarns, each thread fraying across bare feet in jeans, while slow quick, tornadoes kiss sun drenched wild earth. In those places, where people journey beneath their weathered sky.

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