NEVER ALONE

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I am always proud of her.

Even more so in the midst of her mistakes or in her “meltdown” moments. Many times I look at her and think she is nothing like me. For one thing, she is amazing at math and even though I am an accountant I am ANTI -amazing at math. In fact, I have been the butt of numerous math related jokes.

But other times she is so much like me it hurts…

When my daughter was younger she went through a phase where she would start screaming out of anger. I would tell her if she wanted to scream to do it in her room, preferably into her pillow, so I didn’t have to listen to it. I would always follow that with, “I am here to listen when you have calmed down enough to talk.”  It was hard because everything in me wanted to hold her. Instead I just stepped over the blubbering mess at my feet and continued whatever I was doing.  Luckily, that phase didn’t last long.

Then there was the whining phase. Her whining voice was the most precious and sweet voice ever. I have it on tape somewhere and it makes me melt every time I hear it. I miss that baby voice. But it was a bad habit. I only knew one way to get her to stop. I would say, “I can see your lips moving but my ears can’t hear that frequency.” I would continue to pretend not hear her until she stopped whining and talked in her normal voice.

There were times she would get so angry she wanted to hit something and I would say, “If you have to hit something I won’t stop you but it has to be the punching bag or your bed.  It has to be something safe for everyone including you”. One night she walked in with her pillow and said, “Mom, I really need you to do me a favor and hold this for a minute really tight.” I held the pillow as she proceeded to punch all her frustration out. When she finished I asked her what was wrong and we had a nice long talk about mean kids. “No honey your arms are not too hairy”.

She spent this weekend participating in back to back slumber parties. I knew she would be an emotionally exhausted when she got home Sunday evening. I wasn’t feeling well and was lying in bed when she came to lay with me. I helped her under the covers and said,“Get some rest honey, you’ve had a long weekend.”

Her dad was making dinner and singing a nonsensical song, like he does when he is in a good mood, when she stormed in to tell him to please be quiet she is trying to sleep. He told her to shut the door so she stormed back into the room with me. I said, “Honey, you need to just calm down because daddy is just busy making dinner.” (Which by the way never happens but it was a lovely change of pace) She asked what was for dinner and when I answered stir fry she buried herself deep under the covers. MOANING!

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“If you are going to moan about dinner please do it your room”. She jumped out of bed to go to her room and when her dad asked her what was wrong she ignored him. Well, that didn’t go over so well! So I braced myself for a monster tantrum.  After her dad yelled at her I heard her answer.  A few moments passed and I heard the back door open and shut. My daughter we stomping into the back yard. She was sitting on the stairs with her head in her hands.

These are the moments I see myself in her…

These are the moments I relate to her best and my heart hurts. She was too upset to look at me as I walked out and knelt in front of her. I took the first picture at the top with my cell phone because, besides being beautiful, she was relaying so much feeling in that moment. I simply said, “I love you” and she started bawling.

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You see… I knew that pose. I knew that stance all too well. It was the first time she said I FEEL ALONE and it was all in her body language. In that moment no words needed to be exchanged. I sat next to her and said it is ok to put yourself in time out. It is ok to be upset, angry, hurt, tired and emotional. But it is not ok to feel ALONE. It is not ok because you are not alone and you will never be alone. I am always here. You my love are NEVER ALONE. She finished crying and said, “I just hate disappointing people and sometimes I can’t talk because I don’t know what to say and dad gets mad and ….” The conversation lasted about 15 minutes and we finished with hugs and I love you’s.

Language… has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone. ~ Paul Tillich

She made a bed on the couch and watched Leave It To Beaver and after a while she asked if she could take a hot bath and have some hot tea. I LOVE HER TO PIECES. In the end, I hope I can teach her how to handle her emotions. I hope she never feels alone and that she always knows she can talk to me. She will know I am not perfect and that she doesn’t have to be either. That she won’t always like my decisions but she will always know there is a reason behind them and that those reasons will always be born out of my love for her.

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I am proud of her for stepping back and taking herself outside to calm down.  I taught her to always step away until she could get her emotions under control. What she does when she steps away is up to her.  But I worry sometimes that in those moments she will feel alone because I feel alone in those moments.  I guess I just want her to know if she needs someone to hold her hand as she takes a breath she always has mine.  No words…just companionship.

The words gather speed

Swirling like a hurricane

Waiting to feed a need

A destructive craving

Lack of sleep

Emotionality

God

Give me the power

To calm the force

That brews

Inside of me

Let the uprising

Be drowned

By the love

Surrounding me

And may I always know

I am

Never alone

~Hastywords April 2014

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48 thoughts on “NEVER ALONE

  1. Wow, so that made me cry – and before I even got to your poem. What you wrote was beautiful and wise. My eldest will soon be four and she is at the ‘unable to control her emotions’ stage and it is so hard. I am trying the techniques you have mentioned and will just have to hope that I am as good a teacher as you and that she will eventually learn. You’ve also opened my eyes to the potential loneliness that children can feel during time out, no matter how much they (or you) need space and for that I thank you!

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  2. I wish i had you around – I can use a mom. Fortunately my boys do not have my f*ckedupness – which is good. They know I am here for them, regardless of anything and everything life has to throw out to us in the world.

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  3. Wow. Such a touching and loving piece. You are the best Hasty Mom in the world I am sure. You have a knack for sharing your wisdom, kindness, and love unconditionally. Also, to be the cooler head showing others that cooler heads prevail. Well done friend. We must write again soon.

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  4. It touched my heart.Well I cried too.I remember how my relationship with my mom used to be when I was a teen.Take it from a daughter to mom,there might be times when she might think you don’t love her and even hate the way you restrict her from doing certain things.But in the end she will realise that no one in this entire world will love her as much as you do. 😀

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  5. I was often overcome with anger when young and didn’t know how to express hurt or sadness. You sound as if you have a wonderful connection and understanding with your daughter. It will make all the difference.

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  6. This is beautiful. I relate to so much of this — my daughter is also very emotional, and right down to yelling at daddy for singing a song when she wants quiet and then slams doors, our little ones sound so similar! I think the lessons you are teaching her are amazing… it’s okay to have the emotions, but we need to find ways to deal with them without hurting other people. I love the idea of ‘putting yourself in timeout.’ I truly love this post — thanks for sharing!

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  7. I do the same thing with my kids. I watch them and see myself in them. Mostly my flaws, but I would never tell them that. I just try to do what my mother didn’t…love them through it and LISTEN! I think when you can relate you have an easier (easier, NOT easy) time dealing with the emotions of your kids. At least, that’s what I find here.
    You’re a good Mama! Lucky, lucky girl 🙂

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  8. Ahhhhhhhh beautiful. Now I can add you to my mental list of ‘parents out there who give me HOPE’ 😀 Really well handled. What a lovely daughter you’re raising, and what a wonderful mother she’s making you 🙂

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  9. Most moms can relate to some of the things their children do. Mostly my mom would say “stop it; i have done more than you are doing now it has never helped”. You narrate this with so much love.

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  10. This touched my Heart deeply. How can I describe what I feel? Thank you for allowing you little girl room to express herself even though I know it just about tears your heart out of your chest. LOVE will conquer all. It does and it shall. (((HUGS))) Amy

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  11. This post touched my heart. My daughter moved in with me two years ago when she was 16. During that time I saw her suffer from a broken heart by her first love. I remember her tears while she was telling me how she loved him so and how much it hurt and at that moment I felt helpless and heartbroken myself for not being able to protect her from life. Our children. I never knew I would find the love of my life in such a beautiful creature. Your daughter seems precious and if she is like you, then she will live life in a great way because I can see you do as well.

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  12. (✿◠‿◠)..Sa ai o seara plina de tandrete si iubire
    …sa poti simti frumusetea vietii, cu toata fiinta– Have an evening full of tenderness and love
    … you can feel the beauty of life, the whole being…♡◕ ‿ ◕♡

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  13. A truly loving mother, within kisses and loving surprise, she understand only needing that you repeat, so that she knows you know….

    To hastykid, never forget how to play!

    Something i’ve learned from the animals…..

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