CHANGING LOVE

I wrote this in May 2012.  Time keeps flipping through the months and years and we look back and wonder how much has really changed.  My dad is an electrician and sometimes I think of my marriage as a plug and socket.  When we are together we work and we can be apart but still (plug) together and work fine but lately I think the electricity has started to flicker.  We are that couple; the couple who only talks when they have to plan something for their children.  I always said that would NEVER happen to us.  But here we are…two apathetic strangers sharing responsibilities.  I think we need an electrician.

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I have a habit of writing notes on my phone whenever I can’t sleep and my mind just races from one subject to another.  I decided to focus on the areas of my life that seem out of step as recovery to my minor meltdown earlier this week.  This week I will share a few of these things on my mind.  I hope these thoughts will motivate me into some sort of purpose.

CHANGING LOVE

I sit quietly in the dark room listening to him snore

That snore is a part of me now, has been for years

We have changed, both of us, through the decades

But we are both the same, way down deep, at the core

We are older now, more wrinkles, more bruises, more scars

We’ve laughed together, cried together, healed together

Scolded each other, blamed each other, loved each other

The moments we have shared are more numerous than the stars

I think to myself as his snoring persists

How young we were when we first began

How my heart always quickened when he held my hand

How happy I was that someone like him even exists

It’s different now and I am not sure why

I still love him, parts of him, most of him

Am I so different, has too much happened,

That we clearly no longer see eye to eye

I close my eyes and let his snore comfort me

For now it comforts me, for now I will cling to it

Tomorrow I will work on finding new connections

Find love within our changes, find the new that is meant to be

28 thoughts on “CHANGING LOVE

  1. I really like this, how you say you have both changed, that you now cling to his snoring, and how you will look for new connections.

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  2. Love it! People change, no one can remain the same. But when you love a person, you can also see what has always remained the same…the reason why you got together, in the first place!🙂

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  3. I find your take on Love and realtionships entirely breath taking, I wonder do you see into everyones soul, or do you just see yours, I find in my marriage something new about my wife or myself and I share that with my respective other, we learn to laugh anew at the way we are getting older, we develop new understanding that we are not the same couple that we started out to be and with that change comes a deeper more understanding love. As life changes and we become older and the kids start to move on, I look forward to the day when it is just she and I and we can sit back relax and finally get to know each other for real, we have always had roles to play in life, father, mother, husband and wife, caregiver, boo boo fixer, the list goes on and on. But for once I want to sit down with my beautiful wife and finally see the person who has been playing those roles down the years, and I hope she still likes me after the roles have been dropped and it is just she and I. The future waits and yes we will be a couple of old coots by the time this happens, but I will still feel for the same way I do right now.

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    • I will, please do me a favor and read the Anger blog on my post, I know this i spublic domain but your insight my very well help me figure out where so much anger and violence comes from

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  4. I’ve been married for 30 years, and understand what you write. Sometimes we get so lost we forget our identity outside of the marriage. And the changes, are slow, but they are there. You get to a point where do I begin and where does he? Beautiful post and oh yes, I really relate!! Thank you. Love, Amy

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  5. Yeah that happens to people, but a lot of times much more rapidly. Too much change? You may have it in reverse? Switch shit up. Change things up. Tactful stuff. Timing. Romance and uncertainty are a good combo. You already know this shit. It could just be your depression. Couples collective mood can affect it. I don’t know. I can’t give advice on this shit. Responsiblities of having kids is difficult. There are a lot of factors contributing to it.

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      • You would never know that that advice is something that really isn’t good for me or the woman I like. So my inner devil just gave you that advice. The devil……. that taught me how to manipulate people and use improvisational acting in the moment without planning things out to make it seem legit. I’m quite dangerous. I can read people to well. Well when I get in the zone. Yeah…….. I’d rather just have a boring and honest relationship. My words are deadly but this body language of mine way worse. I guess paranoia led me to get into enemy minds like I’m them…… Which eventually led to putting myself into others minds. Which over time moved it from intellectual understanding to intuitive understand. I do underestimate other paranoids sometimes and realize that they have this too but also know that they underestimate me. So yeah….. I may make a mistake in the paranoid battle ship game but I fix it and see through there manipulation…… Oh and I like to fake people out into thinking I have no clue they are following me (metaphorically and literally) I hear their foot steps and know they’ll think they’ll catch me by surprise yeah. I feign ignorance to gain and advantage. haha. don’t ask…….. All I know is living with my paranoid uncle made me extremely paranoid. it rubbed off on to me. it’s draining and exhausting being around paranoid people like me.

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