I’M A BLEEDER

You get a bit of stream of consciousness today because I can’t bring these thoughts together into anything of worth.

This isn’t a plea for anything…just a need to let my thoughts free.

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I am not a writer.

I am an emotional person who feels deeply and yearns for connection.

I string words together well enough, I suppose, but that doesn’t make me a writer.

A writer doesn’t just bleed onto the paper, a writer mixes breath into that blood and creates life.

A writer grabs other people and yanks them into their world and the people reading their words have no desire to be released from that world.

I admire writers and I am lucky enough to be surrounded by them.

I am a bleeder standing in a crowd of breathers.

Most times I am inspired and build up by the talent that surrounds me.

I am better because them.

But sometimes, the demons in my head laugh at me and tell me I am a fraud.

Maybe someone will mistake you for someone worth ____________.

Echoing over and over and over again.

History hates me.

My past tells stories.

All but a few are sad and all but a few hurt.

I try to hold the good and let the bad go.

I am not very good at it… I suck at it.

People leave…all of them…eventually.

If they don’t they will die…eventually.

What is the point of breathing when I am so good at bleeding?

People I love say hateful things… they might be true.

People I love say beautiful things… they might be true.

My heart hurts because I am losing you… them… me.

I need to figure out how to stop bleeding…

And learn how to breathe.

And also I must stop using dot dot dot

It annoys me

 

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49 thoughts on “I’M A BLEEDER

  1. Who among us does not love
    surround himself with poets
    writers
    photographers and other
    we remain ourselves
    absorb learn from them
    and love their writings
    but we will always be ourselves
    only
    kiss my friend

    marcello

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  2. The mistake here is that you think that when you read things written by other people and you really feel their words, that somehow that means they are better… or breathing more life into what they do… that somehow their words carry more weight or are more meaningful than yours… and I am fucking telling you that this is that stupid, crappy, cowardly voice in your head telling you this… it isn’t true… because I sometimes write things that move people… and I could do it more if I didn’t enjoy my job as jester so much… and I have read all my life, and surround myself with creative people, and your words are as deep and full of life and breath and love and wisdom and pain and all the things that make us human as the words of anybody else… except maybe Shakespeare and a few other people that are on a different plain than all of us. When we read your words, we all wonder if we are at the same level as you. That is what that voice does. It makes you question what level you are on. But it doesn’t get to fucking decide what level you are on… we do… your peers… your cowriters… your friends… who are in awe of your talent.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I feel like I needed to hear this (your) voice desperately. I think I like your stream of consciousness better than mine. I don’t know if you are right or not about levels but I do know that my life is better now that I write…now that I have friends like you… who do care how I feel.
      How do I know you care? Because you made this comment…
      Thank you…because your words…do move me.

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      • Well I do care… but once again, people will let you down sooner or later… the way to believe in yourself is to care… care about you… care about what you write… don’t care what the voice says… or what anybody says…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes the words very very good writers write make us see things in ourselves that we’d rather not. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read what you have written and thought “oh shit…”. That, my friend, is very powerful writing. We can’t all be rainbows and ponies πŸ™‚

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  4. You know my thoughts on this. I’ll tell you as many times as I have to.

    Everyone leaves because death is a fact of life, but in the meantime, Sunset, there can be *such* glory and such beauty and such love…surround yourself with it and choose the people who choose you. Choose to trust the good and to take the bad in context, with a critical awareness of who is saying it, and whether or not their words should bear weight.

    Art said some pretty much perfect, spot-on things. I only hope that you’ll let his words sink deep into your soul and do some healing there.

    And while you’re at it, define ‘writer’ because you move me to poetry more than anyone I’ve ever met, and my writer-soul responds to yours and it is utterly unbidden and utterly unstoppable and TOTALLY and purely in response to being so incredibly moved by YOUR WRITING. So…if you consider me a writer, then consider how much you inspire me, and think on that for a bit.

    Meantime…

    Don’t hate on elipses. They’re my second-favourite punctuation mark.

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    • We have this conversation often.

      Someday… I will get it.

      You are an amazing writer, and yes you are one of the talented writers I was speaking of. So amazing…and so much talent.

      I suppose this war that rages inside of us will continue infinitely but luckily I have some pretty amazing warriors doing battle next to me and with me.

      I love you… πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • It will continue, because it must, I suppose, but in the meantime, SILVER LININGS, dear one – warriors beside and before you; staunch friends behind you cheering you on; poetry to work out the feelings and connect with others and to RELATE; beautiful connections with other writers and ever-more to learn and adapt and develop, and all this because you are not content to just accept things how they are.

        Look around you at these amazing people you have, and know this – they have all chosen you for a reason. They have all chosen you freely, and because they want to, and because they want you in their lives and in their world, because they (we) think YOU are amazing.

        And that’s something else I’ll keep telling you.

        We’ll keep having this conversation, my dear, back and forth, each shoring up the other in those darker moments, and we’ll both get through it together, ‘kay? πŸ™‚ ❀

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  5. I don’t know where I fall. I feel like a breather, but I bleed, a lot. I feel like a writer, but I use ‘…’ very, very, very often…

    For the record, your description of a writer, “A writer doesn’t just bleed onto the paper, a writer mixes breath into that blood and creates life.” Well, in my opinion girly, that is exactly what you do. Exactly.

    I like your stream of consciousness.

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  6. I’m no writer either …. and I’m trying my talent at doing 50 thousand words this month. Most days my Art sucks but occasionally I paint something awesome.

    I too am emotional and yearn deeply for connection. Not only connection but hey, the tagline on my blog isn’t “You can’t change the world, but you can change the world of one person!” for nothing. And Hasty you are changing the world one person at a time… I know you have made a difference in my life, just by writing and also being there for me when I need it. (Hugs)

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    • These comments always make my voices feel ridiculous…and… that is a good thing. You are right of course, we do change peoples moments if not lives just by existing.

      Hugs back πŸ™‚

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  7. Ellipses are great to use. They add just the right amount of pause, or so I think… maybe. Then there are the times I just decide to use two.. because.. it just creates a shorted (more rebellious) pause.

    Don’t judge.

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  8. There are so many good points from everyone here. I also recently learned that I am not allowed to decide if I’m “good” or not. I was told I am so that’s that. What do we do, Hasty ? 😘

    For me, I found that admitting that I bleed was just the first step down a new path. πŸ™‚

    P.S. “A non writing writer is courting insanity.” (Sometimes, I think we all do it on purpose a little bit. Starve the creativity to make it come roaring out.)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You may not count yourself a writer, but you have an intuitive way with words to express deep emotions. Hey, some time ago we talked about the prospect of writing a poem together. You still up for it? I’m going into more of a “hibernation mode” for winter and hope to devote more time to writing. Just let me know.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You Are a Writer!……

    You are a writer
    don’t matter,
    what others believe.
    i’m always caught
    by you,
    in the time that i read.
    Dazed by
    every word written
    within loving honesty….

    That is toadly
    honesty,
    i swear to thee!

    One can most,
    definitely say,
    that i have been
    touched by hasty….

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  11. We all bleed in some way shape or form. Before I was truly ever very good at writing stories or started my blog, the only writing I was ever good at was Poetry. Poetry allowed me to ‘bleed out’ the hurt, anger and the pain and share it in a beautiful way. I even amazed and surprised myself at times. What you write in your own blog IS poetry. It will captivate some and others, as you said at the beginning, may see it as a cry for help.

    Others, like me, can empathize because we have been there and occasionally find ourselves back there on the rare occasion as misery and pain can’t seem to let go and forget, especially US. Friends, Family and lovers – they will all will eventually say or do something to hurt us, whether or not at the end of the day we find ourselves in ‘Fear’ of losing them or what may happen to us if we keep them, is what matters most.

    I fight with my partner pretty ferociously sometimes, but you know something? They are the first person I have ever felt I would -never- lose over a stupid argument or otherwise that I have had a serious relationship with. I have someone I consider like a brother too I’ve known for years and we have fought something terrible too – but we are still the closest and best of friends to this day.

    Friends, Family and Lovers who are willing and ready to “batten down the hatches” when things look their worst are definitely worth keeping. Don’t let the demons in your head taught or bait you about what you -can’t- do or what your worth is. You are the ONLY one who can truly determine your own worth, not them. All they can be is an annoying peanut gallery. Next time you should ask those same voices, what can you do? What -good- are you? See what they say.

    I have a song I thought of when I read your post that I want to share. I’m including the link though wordpress might put this in the spam folder because of it (ugh!). I hope it’s your kind of music, the lyrics are what’s important if nothing else. :3

    ~Infinite love and gratitude~ ❀

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  12. “A writer grabs other people and yanks them into their world and the people reading their words have no desire to be released from that world.” I love that line! That’s exactly what happens to mew when I read. Great poem, Hasty!

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