#BeReal- AMANDA HALL

My #BeReal guest today is Amanda Hall.

AMANDA HALL

My name is Amanda Hall, I just turned twenty-eight and I’m just now learning who the real me is and how to accept myself for who I am and to not let other people’s opinions of me stand in my way.

I am by no means a writer, I suck at grammar and I let myself stand in my way of doing so many things out of fear and self-doubt. But, when I was asked to participate in the #BeReal series not only was I shocked but I just knew it was a sign that I needed to step out of my comfort zone and try something new.

Growing up I had ADHD, I was overly hyper, bouncing off the walls, and had no filter (well I still don’t have much of a filter). I was judged, ridiculed, and told to think before I speak more times than I can count. And it changed me.

I stopped being me, I stopped being the person that I knew how to be and I shut down. It’s very scary and saddening to not know who you are and not know if you should speak or just shut up.

Other people didn’t get me, and probably still don’t. They took what I said and what I did the wrong way. While, in my heart I almost always had good intentions but apparently didn’t know how to make it come off that way.

For example, when I was fourteen my older sister and I were best friends, we were complete opposites; I was the fun, outgoing, wild one and she was calm and mellow… boring.

When she had a baby it changed everything.  She wasn’t just calm and mellow anymore she was tired and withdrawn. She seemed miserable. I wanted to fix it for her, she was my best friend and I hated seeing her like that (I know now it was depression).

Anyhow, I had a prescription for Adderall and knew that for people with ADHD it calmed them down but for people without ADHD it perked them up, so like any caring awesome person would do I decided that I would open a few capsules and put some in her Kool-Aid (yes Kool-Aid because we were kids and that’s what kids drink lol) to perk her up, make her happy for a few hours; so kind of me right? WRONG!

I went off to school and a few hours later my mom showed up at my school PISSED. Whoa buddy, let me tell you that was not a pleasant afternoon, everyone acted like I tried to kill her or something, when in fact, I honestly had only good intentions. I just wanted to cheer her up, I wanted to help her. I didn’t realize it would result in a trip to the ER and her being up all night essentially tweaking.

A screaming match with my mom, an unnecessary visit with the police, and a twenty-eight-hour psych hold, along with probation and community service were the repercussions of that awesome deed.

I spent the next few years at odds with my family and everyone else in my life. I was fifteen and rebellious, I thought I knew everything but in fact I had a lot of growing up to do. It took a few years but I got my family and my best friend back (my sister).

I spent the next ten plus years trying to change myself into who I thought people wanted me to be. Which lead to some pretty bad depression and anxiety. I spent so much time with everyone telling me to shut up and calm down that I became a shell of the person I was.

Funny thing is, people didn’t like the new me either. They just kept saying, how boring I was, how different and fun I used to be, and how they wanted the old me back. Well you know what I say to all of them? FUCK YOU! I’m going to be who I want to be, not who you think I should be. This is the real me, take me or leave me, I don’t care anymore.

My life is so different than I ever imagined it being but in the best possible way. I have an incredible husband who loves me unconditionally. I get to be a stay at home mom to the most amazing two kids. And I surround myself with books and amazing authors. I couldn’t be happier.

So who is the real me? I am a kind, generous, and loyal person. I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt and best friend. I have depression and anxiety so bad, sometimes I can’t leave my house, sometimes I bail on people (which sucks and makes me feel incredibly guilty but that’s my reality).  I’m a hot head and can’t always control my temper or mood swings. But, I’m a good person and I love myself, my family and my life. I try my hardest not to judge others negatively and to accept people for who they are and that’s all I really want in return. So what does being real mean to me? It means being yourself, loving and accepting yourself even when and if others don’t.

Do YOU and don’t worry about what others think.


FB_IMG_1460767204162-1Along with being a PA (personal assistant) for an amazing author I also co-run a book blog with my sister and crazy awesome friend. If you like books, hot guys, and giveaways come check out our blog at

facebook.com/Kalpasbb

 

 

5 thoughts on “#BeReal- AMANDA HALL

  1. To Amanda.

    Thank you. I’m 60 but you pretty much exactly summed up my life too! (Apart from the bit about your mum and you ending up on the psych ward!) Anyway, I was never diagnosed as a child as nobody really knew about ADHD then, but most of my adult life has been Hell. Then last April, I was finally diagnosed with ADD. What an immense relief to find out I had a very real reason for being the way I was, and am. I am on ConcertaXL 36mg now, and things are so much better, and I am happier than I’ve been for years. I try not to use my ADD as an excuse, but sometimes it helps to let people know I have it for those inevitable foot-in-mouth moments, or when they find me talking to myself!! Having to explain that amidst their amusement or disapproval, or both, was wearying in the extreme, I had to leave my job and retire early last year, because I couldn’t take the stress of it all any more. Best thing I ever did quite frankly, I just didn’t fit in, and I was there for 12 years! I still second guess myself every time I want to speak, and the internet is a boon! When posting messages, posts or comments, being a Brit, I’m a bit of a grammar nazi, lol, and nearly always stop to read and check spelling and grammar etc before sending now, so I get the chance to read it back to myself and decide if it looks right, or I need to rephrase something so as not to offend anyone, and as that thought process is the missing link in the mental process, ie spoken conversation, when every thought just gets sent straight to your mouth without you having a chance to assess it first, I seem to do a lot better online.

    Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your story. Believe me, it helps so much.🙂

    Anna xx

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  2. Lovely to read your story. You’ve been through a lot. I suffer from mental illness so I know disorders can be troublesome. For you at certain times, extremely difficult but I’m glad you’ve come through it. It’s awesome you have your family now and support when you need it 🙏🏻❤️

    Like

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