Please welcome Jenn Stricklin to #BeREALationships.
My husband and I have been together for what seems like forever. People like to think I am the crazy one in the relationship, however, he picked me with both eyes wide open so I think I have a strong argument for him being the winner. He is truly an amazing man and father, but I am not lucky, I hand picked this man! I was never willing to settle for less than everything I thought I deserved, even if I did try to convince myself a few times that he didn’t really exist and even though I was alone for a large part of my 20s. However, my persistence in having nothing but the best paid off! I have a loving husband who is extremely helpful with the baby and the house even though I am a stay at home mom. I have not cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed, or done dishes more than 10 times in the past 13 years. He truly is my best friend and shares in my triumph and trials. Like he did a few years ago…
A few summers ago my husband and I actually left the house with the baby to go visit friends. I am a consummate homebody so this was a rare event. The hubby is also of misanthropic ways so having us both of us out was like spotting a unicorn. While standing outside of our car, trying to make our get away, I realized there was some kind of tiny bug behind my glasses. I took my glasses off and as I tried to brush the little bastard away, I felt a stinging on my eyelid. Definitely a sign that we had socialized enough.
The next morning, my eyelid had puffed up to three times the size. Looking like the love child of Igor and Quasimodo was not exactly the look I was going for so I went to the doctor. The damn insect had infected my eye-hole! For those who want the medical term, it was orbital cellulitis. The doctor then prescribed amoxicillin to remove the infection while stressing how important it was to take all of it before the cellulitis basically ate my entire face.
I hadn’t taken amoxicillin since I was a little kid with no side effects so I went ahead and started taking it since I wanted to continue to have a face. Within 24 hours, my crotch felt like it was being swarmed by fire ants. My brilliant husband, son of a pharmacist, asked me if I knew that amoxicillin could cause yeast infections. Um… no, and amazingly enough, I had never had a yeast infection. A call to my pharmacist proved that my husband was right, eww. Most online sights recommended Vagisil, or some other bizarre itchy cooter cream. There is NO way I was going to go buy that! I would probably see every damn person I know and they would all go home knowing that there was funk in my junk!
With a little trepidation, the love of my life volunteered to get it for me. We loaded up into the car and, while the baby and I stayed ninja like in our black car with tinted windows, my dearest husband went into Walgreens alone. Twenty min later, I hear Billy Joel singing, “It just may be a lunatic you’re lookin for,” and I listen to my husband’s ringtone for a couple repeats before I realize my phone is ringing. (To help to set the tone of our relationship for you, that is our song.) He is standing in front of the coveted item and can’t decide what brand I need. I told him to just grab that damn stuff and come back out already so that we could go home before someone spotted me in the get away car. “Do I have to hold your hand for everything? You are SO not the Clyde to my Bonnie!” Fifteen agonizing minutes later I see him leave the store, finally, and he is looking like he is being tortured. He gets into the car and starts laughing uncontrollably. A drive home and thirty minutes later he is finally calm enough to tell me about his adventures without breaking into laughter with tears running down his face.
Apparently only women go to that Walgreens as he was the only man in the whole place that night. He went to the aisle where the cortisone creams were and there was nothing labeled as a “bad vag” medication. He wandered all over the store twice, even looking by the tampons and it was no where to be found. Finally he had asked an employee. She blushed bright red and slowly, ever so slowly, took him to the corner where the bitch itch items were hidden. As the look of confusion crept over my husband’s face, she started explaining that this one was a pill you could swallow, this one is a topical cream, and…. she suddenly stopped at the ones labeled inject-able. My ever so considerate life partner winked at her and said, “I think I get what those are for.” I can just imagine the poor girl about passing out at that one.
As he made his way back to the door to pay for his item, women saw what he was carrying and blushed, averted their eyes, and ran. My husband’s own version of parting the red seas. (Hahaha get it? I mean I am sure they weren’t all on sharkweek, but because they were all girls and… oh fuck it, it isn’t funny if I have to explain it.) The only two women he could see when he reached the counter were the employee who couldn’t escape because she was the cashier, and an oblivious woman about to purchase her wine. The cashier took one look at my husband’s lone item and immediately flushed a bright red. The woman with the wine turned with a smile to my husband, looked down into his hands, and dropped her wine. Luckily it did not break as that would make this story a tragedy. She hurried to swipe her card and be on her way. The cashier, refusing to look at my husband or his purchase, probably would have let him just take it if she wouldn’t have gotten in trouble for it. My husband used what mercy he had and did not try to engage her in conversation as he was too busy imagining that the other employees were relocating the corner of womanly concerns now that a man had violated it.
That day taught me that my husband will do ANYTHING for me. The fact that he could respectfully laugh with me at my dilemma just cemented even farther that I had chosen wisely. I can’t imagine spending my crazy life with anyone other than him.
When Jenn Stricklin is not writing irreverent humor, pointing out hypocrisy, or rebuilding her website jennstricklin.com, Jenn can be found in a pile of yarn, chasing her toddler, cooking bizarre experimental recipes, studying, or enjoying time with her family. No matter the activity, Jenn is likely to be bra-less and in yoga pants. She has been published in City Magazine, on numerous other blogs, and has been the editor and lead contributor for various organization newsletters. She currently resides in Colorado with the geek of her dreams, her son, and a fluffy dog.