TABLOID DEMONS

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I hope you understand that everyone has a story and that story is rarely conveyed by what someone looks like. 

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I am not a big fan of the People of Walmart posts.  I love to laugh I just don’t love laughing at people.

If laughing at people is your thing, and sometimes it is hard not to when the person who captions the pictures is hilarious, then feel free to share and re-post all you like.  I just can’t join in.

Why do we go out of our way putting so much energy into things that could really hurt someone?  Why can’t we put our energy into something that doesn’t show a total lack of compassion?  But Hasty…people deserve to be laughed at when they wear ridiculous things out in public!

Deserve?

No, just NO…

They may not fit your idea of acceptable or even appropriate but nobody deserves to be laughed at and bullied online.  We observers know nothing of their story and yet millions of people join in and share and comment and laugh.

I have shared a few videos of people dancing…oblivious to the world… and I always comment how much I love how happy and carefree they are. BUT am I just another person sharing a video that may be ruining somebody’s life?

 ***

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I used to be big…much bigger than I am now so I am used to being laughed at and/or invisible although I was perhaps the biggest person in the room.  Then I lost weight and I wasn’t afraid to be in front of the camera anymore.  I worked out and I was no longer invisible…but I was never able to stop seeing myself as “ugly”.   I hate that word but it fits how I feel.  The way I see myself has nothing to do with my weight.

This weekend I went out to dinner with some friends and afterwards we went to a country bar to dance.  I do not listen to country music so it’s fairly foreign to me but I had a really good time.  I was very anxious and feeling old and overweight. I haven’t been out in month (s) so I decided to throw caution to the wind and just have fun.  I danced.  I danced like I was having a dance party in my daughters 10 year old bedroom.

I have never line danced before and it seemed fun so I got up with a friend of mine and we just learned.  I feel like I looked like a fool but I would do it again in a heartbeat.  But here is the thing… Someone took a picture of me and I looked horrible.  I woke up in the middle of the night with the idea that I was going to be the next internet joke.

Caption: Old lady must be HIGH  

Except I wasn’t high and I was completely sober and happy.

***

About 6 years ago, or maybe not that long ago because my past seems a bit blurry to me, I went to a club with some friends.  I was at my thinnest and having lost 100lbs I had some extra skin all over.  Most of the time it wasn’t noticeable but now and then it bothered me.  I worked out all the time…ALL the time.

On this night I was having a blast with some of my friends and danced like nothing else mattered.  This was also the night I blogged about HERE .  On this night there was a club photographer and he happened to snap a picture of me that has caused me to cry and laugh on numerous occasions.  I don’t care if people laugh because it really is the most HORRENDOUS picture ever taken of me and if you want to know the truth… it is also why I don’t accept compliments from people.

This picture is how I see myself everyday and it doesn’t matter how many pictures I post that people find pleasing…the picture below is the person I see everyday in the mirror.  The photographer caught my demon on film and now you bloggy people get to see what I see.  And maybe NOW you will understand why I will never associate with the pretty girl in the other pictures I post.

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 I hope by sharing the worst picture EVER taken of me that people can sort of, maybe, kinda get the idea that real people are behind these images.  Real people.  Lovely people. 

1000Speak

 

 

 

 

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77 thoughts on “TABLOID DEMONS

  1. Thank you for this post. I haven’t posted on your board although I followed for a while. This post reminded me of something I have always wanted….a day when we just communicated while seeing the beauty in someone’s soul not their physical package. Thank you again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Do you know what I see in that picture? I see your beautiful eyes. I see a girl having a really fun time whose shoulder and back muscles look amazing. I see more than the “worst picture ever taken.” Trust me, there are way worse pictures of me out there. I am one of the few people who has gotten the chance to meet you in person, and whether or not you can accept it, I truly believe that you are more beautiful in person than the pictures of the (most beautiful) girl on the Internet. Happiness is the most flattering accessory. And in that picture up there…that’s what I see.

    I know how it feels for people to make fun of the way you look. It’s awful. Words hurt. I try to never make fun of appearances. I prefer to build someone up rather than tear her down.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I ran out of tissues reading these comments. Why in the world does it get to me..I dunno. But this battle has been going on far too long. It is like I am afraid of people seeing the ugly that I see…but you all see something different. Thank you so very much!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hasty thank you for sharing and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It gives courage to the rest of us. I do not see that as a horrible photo of you but a photo of a person who is alive and living life in that moment. Norhing else really matters.

    Pictures and photos lie. They are simply a moment frozen, if you will, in time, but not who we are. This post reminds me of my most recent post ‘The Imposter’ which is about the image I portray daily to the world which in a way is simply a photo I wish others to see but not who I really am.

    God bless you and keep moving forward, you are so much more than you know. You are touching people’s lives and making a positive difference.

    Like

  4. I can relate so well I could cry. This is very inspiring to me, and I am considering writing my own blog post on the subject. If I work up the courage, I will link back to you.

    Hasty, you are a genuinely beautiful person, inside and out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Please do link it to me… I had so much I wanted to say but I knew if I didn’t just write it I would never send it. It means a lot that you commented and I hope the post said what I hoped it would.

      Like

  5. You are SO BEAUTIFUL, in every stage of life. We are our own worst critic – chalk it up to societal programming. If everyone sincerely cared, complimented, and truly love one another like you do, then there will be no CONCEPT of “ugly”. External appearance is just a mental perception, it has nothing to do with our soul, our true being. You truly exemplify “beautiful being”. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reblogged this on Gray Poet and commented:
    I always enjoy reading those I choose to follow and have to agree with some of her other followers that this is one of my favorites of her posts. It gives us all a reason to stop and ponder and I wanted to reblog and say “Thank You” for the words she shared…

    Like

  7. I’m with Art… this might be your bravest, most important post ever. I’ve seriously (and feel free to PM me because DAMN I have some things to say to you) gotten a completely different perspective on you, and I am so grateful you shared this. Amazing… no kidding, I feel I understand you a lot better than I did a moment ago. Wow.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Reblogged this on Pushing our limits and commented:
    Being bullied is harder than anything. Why do you think it’s the kids who get bullied who are almost always the suicide victims or the poor souls who kill a bunch of their classmates in a mass shooting?

    It hurts so badly to be on the receiving end of that kind of hate and wonder what the hell you did to deserve it. Most of the time, it’s nothing. Most of the time, people are teased for simply being who they are. Even when you don’t think it’s that hurtful, the rude remarks or teasing chides, think about the fact that the person you are mocking might not have any purchase on the amount of sanity it takes to deflect such insults.

    Be kind to everyone.

    Treat others as you wish to be treated.

    Find compassion somewhere within your heart, or, PLEASE, do us all a favor and simply shut the fuck up.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Tell that inner voice whispering that you’re ugly to shut the fuck up. Every time I feel ugly and old and fat, I remind (it doesn’t always work) myself that everybody is ugly when they’re really old and that I want to be really old… ok now that I typed that, it seems stupid. But you’re not ugly. Overweight people aren’t ugly. Nobody is ugly except the people who choose to be by bringing other people down and spewing their hate around.
    Amazing post, you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sometimes I can shut the voices up long enough to be ok in the moments that matter…but they are always there. And yes you are right about “ugly”… it is those who hurt others…

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    • You’re wrong. You’re so wrong. I work with old people, and lots of them are BEAUTIFUL…because they’re happy, and their souls shine through, and you can see the goodness and light in their eyes, and every wrinkle is wonderful.

      All this rubbish about old being ugly. Old can be GORGEOUS. I’ve seen it.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Our internal mirrors are distorded, I know that, but still see myself as distorted. The truth is that it doesn’t matter if we can accept who or how we are and learn to find value within. A difficult task and one I came to fail many times. You appear to be a beautiful person and that beauty comes out from within.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. It took a lot of courage to post this and I applaud you for it. It’s so difficult to change your perception of yourself, no matter what people tell you and there are always lots of photos you think aren’t good. Just forget them as much as possible. One of the interesting things about getting to know people online is that you get to know the inner person and often have no idea what they look like. I’ve met a number of online acquaintances and I always see them through the lens of their inner selves. As far as the photo above, you just look like someone having a great time!

    All the best.

    janet

    Like

  12. The surface only goes so far, to the eyes.  Beyond attracting, then what?  There’s always more.

    So you danced and smiled. Yes, you weren’t very photogenic.  But I don’t care.  It’s just a snapshot.  Limited perspective.  No view of a writer, no view of a mother, no view of other critical facts to the whole.  It’s just a picture, and I know there’s more.

    Personality matters FAR more. The people who actually care, the people who don’t go out of their way to ridicule (in other words, the people you may not hear as much) will see the LIFE behind those eyes, and appreciate you for you.

    I could care less about past appearances.  (Well, nostalgia…)

    Like

  13. The phrasing of those tabloids always make me laugh but I often find myself wondering how I would feel if that was me. Strangely after that I lost all interest in those.

    What a great example you are for other women or men too.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Those Walmart posts hurt my soul. They actually hurt it. And when I see people I like joining in with them, it scratches and pains me and makes me very sad.

    This post makes me very scared, because it makes me want to do something crazy like show off MY demon, and I just can’t. Not yet. It’s still too strong. But I am utterly, utterly in awe of you for this. And like others have said – in the first picture, what I see mostly is a mom and her baby girl – it’s the relationship which I noticed first. In the second, like Mandi said – your eyes and the fun the three of you were having.

    And again, like others have said – whatever, because these are just snapshots.

    You are beautiful because you have very aesthetically pleasing qualities. I have seen you on video and I believe Mandi. And you are beautiful because you have a soul which shines so brightly and cares for others so determinedly that sometimes I think it would hurt to look at. You have the most generous heart of anyone I know online, and all I know is that I love you to the Nth degree.

    You know my brain. You know my heart. You know my soul. And all of them choose you. Bravo.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I abhor my image in photographs…I am embarrassed and appalled and depressed when I see pictures of myself. I get what you’re saying. That being said…I can see where the photographer caught you in a moment..but honestly, I don’t think the picture is bad at all. You look like you’re having a lot of fun. And you’re gorgeous.

    Thank you for sharing. I find you amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I was 45 years old before I discovered size acceptance and health at every size and finally stopped the horrific yo-yo dieting cycle and calling myself names like “fat pig.” I became bulimic at twelve, terrified of the idea of becoming fat, not because I hated larger people but because of the terrible way that larger people are treated.
    I am now nearly fifty, and I can say without shame, I weigh 275 pounds. If anyone has a problem with that, the problem is you, not me. The multi-billion dollar diet industry has brainwashed people into being ashamed of their bodies for years. Diets DO NOT WORK long term for the majority of people. If they did, the diet industry would be out of business.
    I’m not an athlete, but I’m rather physically active. My job forces me to walk 2-3 miles each night I work, and I work out in the pool on top of that. I had given up on working out for a long time because it never led to weight loss. What I have learned through Health at Every Size is that exercise does not have to lead to weight loss to have health benefits. I’m far from skinny, but I’m more flexible and have less pain in spite of my fibromyalgia because I exercise regularly.
    My endocrine system is a hot mess. I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and type 2 diabetes–brought on by genetics, not by my being fat. I would have had type 2 diabetes regardless of my size.
    Most of the so called “diseases of obesity” are, in fact, diseases of aging, and yes, there are fat old people. I have worked with the elderly since 1988. They come in all shapes and sizes, just like people of other age ranges. The fat ones are no more inclined to having health problems than the thin ones or those of an in between size.
    People of Wal Mart is a hateful, classist, sizeist site, and I will have nothing to do with it or any other sites of that ilk. If people have to laugh at others in order to make their small souls feel bigger, they need to check themselves and their motivations.
    Fat is not bad. Fat is not ugly. Fat is not a sign of laziness. Fat is a body type. It is a neutral thing. The “cure for obesity” is to stop stigmatizing large people, not to try and force people with a bigger body type to conform to an arbitrary and unrealistic set of standards.

    Liked by 3 people

  17. I had an experience Friday night. But you need some background, and I’ll be the first to say that what I had to deal with was in NO WAY as bad as what others, including yourself, have had to cope with. But for me, it was in every way as emotional and hard to accept. I just recently told Lizzi about it.
    You see, I had an opposite problem growing up. I had an extremely high metabolism and couldn’t gain weight. I had doctors trying to convince my parents (who knew better because they watched me) that I was anorexic. When that didn’t work they said I was anemic and I had needles shoved into my arms every time I went to the doctor because of that. It wasn’t pleasant. Even after two kids I didn’t gain much weight. I was 95lbs when I was 27. It was horrible. I couldn’t get clothes that fit right and people are just as mean to a skinny person as they are to an overweight person. Then I hit 30 and almost literally overnight I went from a size 3 hanging on me to a size 6, and then to a size 8…in two month. My metabolism slowed way down. Then I got pregnant again and went up to a size 10 (I began experiencing bouts of mild to severe depression). Then again, almost 4 years ago now, I had my last son and I went up to a size 12. For me, that was a lot of weight. I’m 5’3″ and I felt dumpy and old. November of 2013 my dad passed away and it kicked me in the gut. But it forced me to wake up to some things. I decided to lose the weight and I did. I started eating right, exercised, and tried to keep it all up. From January 2014 to January of this year I lost a total of about 40 pounds. I went from a size 12 to a size 4-6 (depending on the fit). And yet, I look in a mirror and still see that size 12 woman. So my experience Friday…
    I went into a fun house mirror maze. I was dressed up and felt great. At one point I was laughing so hard that I didn’t pay attention and suddenly out of the corner of my eye I thought I was about to run into this thin, gorgeous, dark-haired woman. So I stopped and turned around to apologize, and make sure I wasn’t about to step on her toes or something…and I realized I was staring at myself in the mirror. And then, that switch in my brain clicked and I saw the woman I was expecting to see instead of the one that surprised me. Yet, I did see her. I can’t forget it. So, there’s hope that someday I might see her again.
    There is more to us than what we see on the outside. ~hugs~

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I love this so much…. everything you share here is real and true and aren’t we all supposed to be that way? Why don’t we do an “ugliest photo campaign”? I have some doozers. But we ALL do. We all have our ugly moments, years, seasons…

    I am just more enamored with you now than ever. Because what I see is a beautiful soul breaking out and shining through whatever weight, whatever picture… maybe the soul defines our beauty, our worth. I’d like to always believe that.

    And honoring all of our ‘worst picture moments’ and our individual voices and stories is the art of true compassion. YOU exemplify this very thing. THIS takes incredible strength from within.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I read your poetry and learn from you all the time, but I’m typically quiet as I never feel sophisticated enough to add anything of value.
    All that said, I just had to comment today. Your story hits home for me in so many ways and I absolutely love how you obviously touched so many others, too. Admittedly, I’m feeling a little sentimental after noting that many of yesterday’s Super Bowl advertisements seemed to be trying to create a groundswell of compassion. Maybe it’s the #1000Speak…maybe it’s because I’m grasping and celebrating every single compassionate person I can find. You’ve always been here, beating that drum and I love it!
    As for your picture, all I can see is that beautiful smile and the light that is inside your heart. Gorgeous 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      • I wrote one last year called Selfie-Concious. I almost took it down several times for so many reasons and I still can’t read it.
        My mom didn’t talk to me for several days because the concept of “feeling ugly inside and out” hurt her, too. But, I left it up there for my daughter. If our girls can go through life beating themselves up a little less than we did…well, then we did something right. Bravo!!

        Liked by 1 person

  20. I admire you greatly. I am never going to like my photographs. I can’t. I refuse to be photographed. And my body – never. I can’t. I just can’t. I hate what I see and I will never overcome it. I have been like this since I was three and in a few weeks I will be 50. Bulimia is a way of life for me. By the way, I just quit my job and I am a bit overwhelmed right now. I have not forgotten about writing a piece for you. I haven’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I work in the media and still do consulting and I find the industry maddening and petty. No names here but a certain AA DJ was hated by a big shot at the station. He was virtually black-balled and ended up at another station where he developed brain tumors. I talked to the guy many times doing the weather on that super station and he was super wonderful. His death scarred me in regards to the backbiting nonsense that can ruin people. Fortunately for the guy with cancer and his adversary, both changed. One by death and the other by a near death experience of his own. I am glad for him because too many media are jerks and do not realize that many people want to be on the air or famous. To me, it is uncomfortable even though that is my job and skillset. Weather Forecasting. Meteorology.

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  22. When you grow up the brunt of the fat girl jokes (I know, they called me Valerie Calorie) there’s a big disconnect between your mind and your body. It takes lots of positive self talk every day. I love dancing and having a good time. I do like that photo of you because you are laughing and having fun. Like you abandoned the negativity. Fabulous.

    Like

  23. Pingback: The Jekyll & Hyde Effect: What Do You Really See? | The Lunatic, The Lover & The Poet

  24. 1.) If that is your worst picture ever… We all look crazy in candids. And that’s not that crazy. Maybe it’s that I see your words, too, and your empathy, which make you beautiful. Actually, nah. You’re just too beautiful.
    2.) Just tonight my 6 and 7 year-olds were saying slightly mean things about a boy in their class (who brags and tattle tales and is a bit dorky, I’ll admit in retrospect) and it just struck me. “Who are you in this? And what do you know about him? What if his parents are mean to him or if someone has hurt him or if he was sick or if there are very sad things at home? You have no idea. Also, you might need him someday. You might be alone on the playground because all the cool kids are actually too cool for you and he might be the one kid who takes care of you. He might be the surgeon who can save your kids’ life someday. You don’t have to fall in love with him, but you do have to cut him a break EVERY day. Because kindness means everything. Everything.”
    Which was clearly me working some stuff out on them, but oh, the richness of their faces. Jaws dropped. And then their 6-year-old sister, “Yeah. You guys are dumb jerks. You should be nicer.”
    Not sure how or when we teach our kids kindness (besides modeling the way), but I tried.
    And I so appreciate that you try to teach us grown-ups every day. You rock.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. This is so refreshing, when you normally find people posting their best selves and their prettiest pictures.. Here’s for having compassion when we look at photos of ourselves as well as of other people. I suppose it would be putting yourself in someone else’s mirror, rather than their shoes.

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  26. You are still absolutely lovely, and all I see in that photo is someone having a wonderful time with some friends. However, I’ve seen similar photos of myself and I understand how you feel. It’s in THOSE pictures that I swear I see what I truly look like, and I hate it. I love this. ❤

    Like

  27. These people hunting! those of us with greed in their mind, a simple part of humanity, we’ll never do without…

    Greed comes in many different forms!

    i hasty don’t see you as an image, but only through the light of your heart…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Which pic are you looking at? They all tell different stories. All the same girl but taken separately vastly different stories. You’re supposed to be seeing exactly what is there but you’re supposed to understand taken alone pictures are an unreliable testimony for an individual

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  28. You are beautiful, inside and out. I do understand hating certain pictures of yourself and I admire your courage and honesty in this post. I couldn’t agree more with everything you’re saying here.

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  29. It’s part of the fun of having an online personality. I think it’s ok. We used to pretend as children, who says we can’t pretend now? I pretend, when I claim I’ve got it all together. What’s the difference with using a filter? I love to look pretty and filters make me feel fucking pretty, and that’s ok. Especially since most other times I do not.

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  30. This is an incredible post. You aim for what is real – in a world where a lot isn’t anymore. You have a good heart and it’s a rare thing to find nowadays. The world needs more people as kind as you.

    Liked by 1 person

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