My RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD guest today is Lindsay Holmes.
Lindsay has written for the #BeReal series previously. If you have a relationships story you would like to submit you can find the guidelines here under RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD. You will find the five other topics I am always interested in sharing. I hope to see you in my email soon.
I never held back from telling you my darkest secrets. I stripped down, laying my soul bare to you. I shared the ugly and bad, as well as the good with you. I let you know that the times ahead were not all going to be good, that I was still in the process of trying to find and piece myself back together again.
I wasn’t asking for much back, except for you to accept all that I was.
You accepted this most willingly, no questions asked. You were there when I needed you, checking on me to make sure I was home from work or made it to work. He would leave me little gifts here and there. I’d get text messages to wake up to, or fall asleep to. I always had reminders that you were thinking about me. You were always reminding me of what I meant to you, how special you thought I was.
I soaked it all up, not wanting to miss a drop of this joy you were providing me with.
I gave you my everything, my all. I put my entire being, the parts that I had found into our relationship. I don’t know how else to be, but all in. There was not a part of me that didn’t belong to you, that I had not given to you. I once again felt alive with you. I could trust you. You became my world, my rock, just by accepting who I was, trying to help me through everything.
You created my happiness, my safe haven. You were making me full like I was whole again, despite the gaping holes I had from pieces lost long ago. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone whole, someone that was alive, not the mess that I was, or still am.
You would protect me and look out for me, always calling or texting to see where I was, and whom I was with. You were always making sure my friends were okay people. You made sure that I was with other females and not males. You protected me, making sure I was either with you or my family for the most part. You’d wait for me at work, sitting outside in your car. You’d follow me home to make sure I made it there, not stopping anywhere else.
You always were testing me. You said it was to make sure I was true and honest, and to see how much I loved you. My word was not always good enough you said, after all, actions speak louder than words, which I wholeheartedly agree with. You kept flirting with other girls, to help encourage me to be jealous. You said that the more jealous you could make me, the stronger my love was.
You wanted me to demonstrate my love for you. You said if I ever cut my hair short, it would show how I no longer loved or respected you. You said that if I loved you, I would make sure I never make you jealous. You told me to cut down the affection given to my dog, as it was not right, he was getting more than you. You told me to cover up my scars, that they were embarrassing you, no one should ever see them.
You said that there was one way to show you how much I loved you, and that was sex. I did not want to, it felt wrong to me. You made me, despite knowing what I went through. You said it was okay, that we were going to get married anyways later, even though this was never discussed.
You told me I needed to work on things in order to become better. I needed to become intact again. You wanted me to have surgery to repair my hymen, to be visibly a virgin again. You said that I’m tainted, and that this will erase the rape. You told me until I did, I was a whore. You told me I should be on the street making money for you. You showed me how whores were treated.
I asked you what happened, where was the person that I had met and been with this whole time. You stated that you never changed, that this is the real you.
I told you I didn’t love you. I tried to walk away. You’d pull me back, usually with my hair, or the back of my pants. I kicked you away, and you laughed, said that it was good to see I was feisty, displaying my Irish temper. I said it was over, you told me that it would never be, that I had agreed to be yours.
I told you to please don’t call or text, so you made sure to call and text all night long, not allowing me to sleep. I ignored your emails, so you flooded my inbox. I went out with friends, and you’d find me. You waited at my work for me, so I’d sneak out with the help of others. I stayed home instead of going anywhere finally. You would not relent.
I cut off all of my hair, you asked me what the hell did I do? I grinned, asking you if you received the message and you walked away.
Lindsay is a rather artsy, easy going, weird, and eccentric Geek girl who loves animals and is the mommy to 4 of them (2 rabbits, cat, and ferret). She considers herself a connoisseur of whiskey drinking and video game playing. Most days she is bumbling around with software and hardware, whilst at night she is a ninja munching on gummi bears and dancing to music. She enjoys blogging as a way of dealing with the aftermath of rape, ptsd, miscarriage, abuse and depression; as well as sharing successes and failures with others.