RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD – LINDSAY HOLMES

My RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD guest today is Lindsay Holmes.

Lindsay has written for the #BeReal series previously. If you have a relationships story you would like to submit you can find the guidelines here under RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.  You will find the five other topics I am always interested in sharing.   I hope to see you in my email soon.

lindsey

Damaged. 

I never held back from telling you my darkest secrets. I stripped down, laying my soul bare to you. I shared the ugly and bad, as well as the good with you. I let you know that the times ahead were not all going to be good, that I was still in the process of trying to find and piece myself back together again.

I wasn’t asking for much back, except for you to accept all that I was.

You accepted this most willingly, no questions asked. You were there when I needed you, checking on me to make sure I was home from work or made it to work. He would leave me little gifts here and there. I’d get text messages to wake up to, or fall asleep to. I always had reminders that you were thinking about me. You were always reminding me of what I meant to you, how special you thought I was.

I soaked it all up, not wanting to miss a drop of this joy you were providing me with.

Used.

I gave you my everything, my all. I put my entire being, the parts that I had found into our relationship. I don’t know how else to be, but all in. There was not a part of me that didn’t belong to you, that I had not given to you. I once again felt alive with you. I could trust you. You became my world, my rock, just by accepting who I was, trying to help me through everything.

You created my happiness, my safe haven. You were making me full like I was whole again, despite the gaping holes I had from pieces lost long ago. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone whole, someone that was alive, not the mess that I was, or still am.

You would protect me and look out for me, always calling or texting to see where I was, and whom I was with. You were always making sure my friends were okay people. You made sure that I was with other females and not males. You protected me, making sure I was either with you or my family for the most part. You’d wait for me at work, sitting outside in your car. You’d follow me home to make sure I made it there, not stopping anywhere else.

Broken

You always were testing me. You said it was to make sure I was true and honest, and to see how much I loved you. My word was not always good enough you said, after all, actions speak louder than words, which I wholeheartedly agree with. You kept flirting with other girls, to help encourage me to be jealous. You said that the more jealous you could make me, the stronger my love was.

You wanted me to demonstrate my love for you. You said if I ever cut my hair short, it would show how I no longer loved or respected you. You said that if I loved you, I would make sure I never make you jealous. You told me to cut down the affection given to my dog, as it was not right, he was getting more than you. You told me to cover up my scars, that they were embarrassing you, no one should ever see them.

You said that there was one way to show you how much I loved you, and that was sex. I did not want to, it felt wrong to me. You made me, despite knowing what I went through. You said it was okay, that we were going to get married anyways later, even though this was never discussed.

You told me I needed to work on things in order to become better. I needed to become intact again. You wanted me to have surgery to repair my hymen, to be visibly a virgin again. You said that I’m tainted, and that this will erase the rape. You told me until I did, I was a whore. You told me I should be on the street making money for you. You showed me how whores were treated.

Torn Apart

I asked you what happened, where was the person that I had met and been with this whole time. You stated that you never changed, that this is the real you.

I told you I didn’t love you. I tried to walk away. You’d pull me back, usually with my hair, or the back of my pants. I kicked you away, and you laughed, said that it was good to see I was feisty, displaying my Irish temper. I said it was over, you told me that it would never be, that I had agreed to be yours.

I told you to please don’t call or text, so you made sure to call and text all night long, not allowing me to sleep. I ignored your emails, so you flooded my inbox. I went out with friends, and you’d find me. You waited at my work for me, so I’d sneak out with the help of others. I stayed home instead of going anywhere finally. You would not relent.

I cut off all of my hair, you asked me what the  hell did I do? I grinned, asking you if you received the message and you walked away.


BIO:
11027456_1650290698526906_6079889452800168201_nLindsay is a rather artsy, easy going, weird, and eccentric Geek girl who loves animals and is the mommy to 4 of them (2 rabbits, cat, and ferret). She considers herself a connoisseur of whiskey drinking and video game playing. Most days she is bumbling around with software and hardware, whilst at night she is a ninja munching on gummi bears and dancing to music. She enjoys blogging as a way of dealing with the aftermath of rape, ptsd, miscarriage, abuse and depression; as well as sharing successes and failures with others.
https://notquitealiceteaparty.wordpress.com/

25 thoughts on “RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD – LINDSAY HOLMES

  1. My god what you have been through – you express it so eloquently in this post. It reminded me so much of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, an ex-armed robber pimp and drug dealer who’d forgotten how long he’d spent in jail. At first he was so caring I told him all my deepest darkest secrets that I’d never told any man before. I was still in residential rehab when we got together and the moment I left he moved in. I was so crazy when I came out of rehab I was being treated at a psychiatric unit for people with personality disorders for 3 years. I have PTSD as well and have had severe depression and abuse. He accepted my craziness and was going to register as my official “carer” on the National Health Service. I was so dependent on him I would sit on his lap like a 2 year old and call him mummy. But then, after a year of escalating abuse, he hit me and smashed my house up. Because he had tried to kill people before I was frightened he was going to kill me. But it took me a year to leave him and then we got back together. It was only after he had a baby with someone else and I had a nervous breakdown that I finally cut off contact with him which has made me much happier. You are well out of your relationship congratulations for breaking free.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Mad Tea Party in My Head and commented:
    I haven’t had the best of luck with relationships, but each one has taught me a little more about myself. As I’m still working out the demons that are inside of me through writing, this “letter” to the abusive and controlling jerk flowed from me. Hasty has been kind enough to add this to her #BeReal series.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautifully written. You have much talent. I hope this experience wasn’t real? A prof I had in school told me a relationship consists of two wholes, not two halves. It is a myth that we complete each other. We are our own persons in a partnership. I’m sorry you opened yourself up so much to a guy who was not worth it. Who mentally abused you and hurt you. I’m glad you finally got away. Know not all men are like him. When you’ve healed enough, you will find a good guy, who treats you well. He will be your loving partner, not a leech sucking you dry.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, fuck. I’ve been sitting here for I don’t know how long trying to think of something to say and nothing seems right or good enough. I know this story, and some others. And I …still have no clue what to say. Dammit.

    I hope you’re doing well. I hope your journey to healing is progressing nicely and I hope your support system is indestructible. I hope, despite the darkness in your past, that laughter makes it through to you and that you now get to experience more joy and less pain.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s